By Rob Broughton, RCC and Kate Drew, RCC

Originally published in BCACC Insights Magazine Winter 2023, posted here with permission from the authors.

It is not easy being the parent of a teen. The landscape of their lives changes drastically and rapidly, and it is easy to misstep in this new terrain. Teen behaviour can seem inscrutable and senseless at times. But teens are looking for the same thing as all of us — belonging with those around them. This article uses the Adlerian concept of the four goals of behaviour (attention, power, revenge, display of inadequacy) to help parents better understand their teenage children and to improve the quality of their relationship with their kid.

Belonging is important to all of us. We all want to feel accepted, acknowledged, and understood. For
teens, this is an important developmental task. For the vast majority of human history, teens were considered adults. They were physically mature and ready to begin contributing to their community or even start a family of their own. Of course, this is not the case now — teens have so much learning to do before they are ready to take on these roles. But the developmental need to lessen dependence on their family and build a community of peers around them remains. Teens are highly motivated by their striving to build connection and belonging with those around them.

Teens are also undergoing significant developmental changes. Capacity for risk-taking in the teenage years increases greatly. This makes sense — branching out from one’s family is a big risk, and teens need to be physiologically equipped for this. Teens also experience emotional highs and lows more strongly than adults. Physical growth takes on a greater pace, and young people are getting used to being in a new body. And the need to individuate — to become one’s own person — is a task felt urgently by youth.

Adler’s four goals of behaviour can help us understand what teens are expressing. Adler acknowledges that humans are social beings, and that we are hard-wired for connection (i.e.,
belonging). He also stated that everyone needs a place to belong, to feel like a “vital part of our social group” (Adler’s Social Interest STEP for Teens). The behaviours we use to achieve this can
be helpful or unhelpful. In either case though, it is useful to be curious about the goal and to look beyond behaviours to what a young person is trying to achieve, rather than just view the behaviours themselves as difficult or upsetting.

We hope this article offers an opportunity to view teens with curiosity and greater understanding. It can be helpful to shift thinking from viewing teens’ behaviour as problematic (although it can sometimes be exactly that) to trying to understand what teens are trying to achieve, and how we can
help them to meet their goals in healthy ways.

ATTENTION AS THE GOAL: “I BELONG WHEN I AM NOTICED OR SERVED”

We all need to feel accepted, acknowledged, and seen, but sometimes we can mistakenly feel that we need to be the centre of attention or served by others in order to belong. This may cause us to become overly goofy, disruptive, charming/pleasing, or draw others in through inaction. The goal is
to feel included, to experience belonging through behaviours that demand the attention of others.

If your relationship with your teen feels strained, it’s possible that they are seeking belonging through attention in unhelpful ways. Active forms of this might look like interrupting or asking for
help with things they are able to do on their own. A passive form might look like laziness and needing many reminders to complete simple tasks.

Our emotions can be helpful in interpreting the goal of folks around us. Check in with yourself — does your teen’s behaviour make you feel irritated or annoyed? If so, it is likely that attention is their goal. If your teen is seeking attention in ways that are damaging to your relationship, ask yourself: do they feel accepted and belonged at school, in their friend group(s), at home? Do they have opportunities to cooperate with others and contribute to common goals? Are they engaging with things they are good at in a way that fosters connection with others? Do they have opportunities to
contribute in their home and enjoy time with family members? If not, consider making space for a collaborative project or protecting time that gives you the opportunity to hear about what is
happening in their life. Support them in engaging with the things they are good at in a community or group setting.

POWER AS THE GOAL:“YOU CAN’T MAKE ME”

The teenage years are a time of rapid physical, emotional, and cognitive development. Things are changing quickly, and new abilities are being grown into. Teens need to have opportunities to
exercise these emerging capabilities, but they also need to understand the limits of what they are in control of and that their place in the world is not contingent on being able to regulate everything around them. Negotiations around power and control are a feature of most if not all parent/teen relationships. It is appropriate that teens push boundaries and that they develop a stronger sense
of autonomy. But the misguided belief that strength is contingent on never being told what to do is harmful to our relationships. If your relationship with your teen feels unnecessarily argumentative,
perhaps they are (inelegantly) expressing a need for autonomy and control. It is difficult to be in relationships like these — most of us will feel angry, threatened, or frustrated. It is helpful to
be aware of these feelings. Awareness can prevent us from becoming reactive and getting involved in a power struggle that produces a winner and a loser. If you are involved in frustrating
power struggles with your teen, try to be curious about what they are expressing. Ask yourself if what they are trying to achieve is a greater sense of autonomy and control. Agree with them — “I
can’t force you to do anything” — while engaging with them on constructive ways
they can be in control. Try to remember that although boundary-pushing conversations can be upsetting, they are a necessary part of moving into adulthood. Maybe even allow yourself a little bit of pride that they are becoming a person courageous enough to start making their own decisions.

REVENGE AS THE GOAL: “I’VE BEEN HURT, AND I’LL MAKE YOU FEEL HOW I FEEL”

We all want to feel accepted and belonged. It is a basic human need. When we don’t experience this, it can be very painful. One understandable response to this is anger and to try to hurt those who
have hurt us. This frustration and hurt can also be expressed more generally at one’s surroundings and the people around them. The general principle being expressed is misguided but not difficult
to empathize with: I have been hurt, and I will make others feel like I do.

Teens are arguably especially sensitive to this. Emotional highs and lows are
more extreme during adolescence, and the pain of not belonging is felt more sharply. Teens are also venturing further from their own families and the predictability of their home environment and learning about themselves through the feedback they receive from the world.
Teens are also grappling with a significant developmental task — the creation of their own social group, separate from their families.

In addition, teens are venturing into the world as individuals for the first time. If they don’t find a fit with the people around them, they lack the experience to know that sometimes, through no fault
of our own, it takes time to connect with people. Maybe they are at a different school from their elementary peer group or have moved to a new community. Maybe there is a language barrier or the
things they are interested in just happen to be different from the people around them. It may be that no one is to blame but still connection and belonging are hard to find.

When young people are hurt by their feelings of not belonging and angry at those they feel are responsible, it may present as bullying or cruelty towards peers, hurtful and damaging comments
towards parents, a general sense of unfairness towards the world, or an embracing of victim identity. Parents are likely to feel hurt, angry, confused, or even disgusted by what they are seeing.
Parents may feel the impulse to lash out in return.

When teens are acting out with the goal of hurting those around them, it is
important for parents to remember that these behaviours are coming from a place of pain. The young person wants very much — perhaps more than ever — to be accepted, loved, and connected. Parents can help by not taking things personally and by modelling their own commitment
to fairness and harmony. It can be helpful for young people to connect with social justice initiatives when they are struggling in this way. Ideally, they will come through their experiences with an understanding that things are not always fair and will feel moved to help those who are suffering, rather than seek to hurt those who have hurt them. Sometimes young people will need
outside help to move through their desire to seek revenge on an unfair world. Counsellors who work with youth are well positioned to offer this support.

DISPLAY OF INADEQUACY AS THE GOAL: “I’D RATHER NOT TRY THAN HAVE YOU SEE ME FAIL”

Feelings of incapability can be some of the most difficult emotions that people of all ages experience. Often anxiety stems from this feeling (“I am worried that I am incapable.”), as does depression (“I know I am incapable. Things are pointless.”). We have all felt this to varying degrees at
some point in our lives. With teens, this usually looks like extreme reluctance to begin or complete
tasks. This can happen at school, with friends or family, or at other activities. The idea being expressed is “I am incapable of doing what is necessary to belong.”

This often happens at school, when young people are expected to complete academic tasks that are too difficult. Youth with learning differences will sometimes internalize their difficulties as evidence that they cannot participate in or belong to the school community. If one believes themself to be incapable, it is preferable to refuse tasks rather than demonstrate failure to those around them. Parents and young people are likely to feel similar emotions when inadequacy is internalized. Hopelessness and despair are common responses from parents and teens. Parents may feel
a desire to overhelp their teen or may come to expect very little of them and stop encouraging them. These are understandable impulses but are not helpful.
Young people deserve an environment where they can be successful. If a teen is overmatched by the expectations of their school, it is important to advocate for them and let the school know that
expectations need to be adapted. It may be helpful for the school to request a psychological-educational assessment to understand the young person’s learning style, or if this is already known, for the school to deepen their understanding of how to support teens with this learning difference.
At home, provide many opportunities to engage in tasks that are manageable and have a guarantee of success. Acknowledge these successes and help them to see growth. Stay patient and draw attention to progress not just results. Remind your teen that there is a place for them in this world, and that their talents and capabilities benefit those around them. Show them and tell them that you will never give up.
As with “revenge,” it can sometimes be helpful to reach out for support when a young person has internalized a sense of inadequacy. School counsellors, trusted teachers, or RCCs who work
with youth are good places to start.

Good relationships are founded on understanding and acceptance. Adler’s four goals of
behaviour can help us better understand the young people in our lives and can encourage us to be
curious rather than judgmental about what we are seeing. In doing so, we help show young people through example how to have healthy relationships, and we can improve our relationships with the young people in our lives.
The ideas shared here are part of a much larger body of work. If you are interested in learning more, consider taking the S.T.E.P (Systematic Training in Effective Parenting) workshops through the Adler Centre in Vancouver: https://www.adlercentre.ca/education/parenting.

by Phebe Ameh, Social Justice Practicum Student, Adler University

On a cold winter morning, Alex sat at his desk, staring at the blank page on his laptop. Deadlines loomed, his dreams felt distant, and his energy was gone. He whispered to himself, “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.”

Have you ever felt that way? That sinking moment when your goals seem too big, too heavy, or too far away? Alex did, and his story shows us something powerful about motivation.

The Spark of Motivation

Psychologists say motivation is the invisible force that pushes us to act (Ryan & Deci, 2000). But for Alex, it felt like his flame had gone out. He remembered how he started this journey months ago full of excitement, determined to build a career he loved. Back then, his “why” was clear. Now, buried under stress, fear of failure, and the endless trap of “I’ll start tomorrow,” he couldn’t feel that fire anymore.

That’s the thing about motivation: it flickers. Some days it burns bright; other days it’s just a weak glow.

Learning to Tend the Fire

Alex didn’t give up, though. One evening, he called his older sister, Maria, and admitted, “I feel like a fraud. I keep comparing myself to others, and it’s killing me. I can’t seem to move forward.”

Maria smiled through the phone: “Listen, motivation isn’t magic. It’s like a fire. If you wait for it to burn on its own, it’ll go out. But if you feed it small sticks and a little air, it grows.”

That night, Alex wrote down three things:

1. One small step he could take the next day (not ten, just one).
2. The reason he started, his “why”.
3. A reminder that progress matters more than perfection.

The Small Wins

The next morning, instead of promising himself that he would finish the whole project, Alex decided just to write one paragraph. That’s it.

When he finished, it wasn’t perfect, it was progress. And that little win gave him energy and encouragement. Day by day, Alex kept building. Some days he wrote a page, some days a sentence, but the fire grew. Slowly, he stopped comparing himself to others and started comparing himself to who he was yesterday.

Motivation, he realized, wasn’t about giant leaps. It was about feeding the flame one choice at a time.

What Alex Learned (and What We Can Too)

• Break it down: Big goals feel heavy, but small steps build momentum.
• Remember your “why”: It’s the fuel that keeps you going on the hardest days.
• Celebrate small wins: Each one is proof you’re moving forward.
• Motivation is daily: Like tending a fire, it needs attention, not perfection.

The Final Note

Weeks later, Alex looked back at the once-blank page. Now it was filled with paragraphs, ideas, and progress. He smiled.

The fire inside him wasn’t gone, what it needed was tending.

And maybe that’s the reminder we all need: motivation isn’t about waiting for the perfect spark. It’s about feeding the flame we already carry.

As Zig Ziglar once said:
“People often say motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”

So go feed your flame one small step at a time.

Takeaway: Motivation isn’t about sudden bursts of inspiration—it’s about steady, small actions that keep your inner fire alive.

by Phebe Ameh, Social Justice Practicum Student, Adler University

When Sarah walked across the stage to receive her Master’s degree, the auditorium erupted in applause. Friends and family stood cheering, her professors nodded proudly, and her colleagues congratulated her with admiration. On the outside, it looked like a moment of triumph.

But inside, Sarah’s heart was pounding with fear.
“They don’t know the truth. I just got lucky with supportive supervisors. They’re overestimating me. One day, they’ll realize I don’t deserve this.”

This is imposter syndrome – the silent, gnawing belief that you’re not as capable as people think you are, that somehow your success is a mistake, and sooner or later, you’ll be exposed.

What Is Imposter Syndrome?

Psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes first coined the term “Imposter Phenomenon” in 1978. They noticed that even high-achieving individuals, especially women, were plagued with self-doubt. No matter how much they accomplished, they couldn’t shake the feeling that they were frauds.

Like Sarah, many people minimize their achievements, chalking them up to luck, timing, or other people’s generosity. Success feels borrowed rather than earned.

The Mental Weight of Feeling Like a Fraud

For Sarah, imposter thoughts followed her everywhere:

• At work, she stayed late almost every night, terrified of making mistakes.
• She overprepared for meetings, filling binders with notes she never even used.
• When her boss praised her, she smiled politely but silently thought, “If only you knew how little I actually know.”

What began as self-doubt grew into constant anxiety. She couldn’t enjoy her accomplishments because every win only raised the stakes: “Next time, I’ll mess up and they’ll see the real me.” The more you achieve, the more you fear exposure. And over time, it can chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling isolated, exhausted, and undeserving.

Breaking Free from the Mask

It took Sarah years to realize she wasn’t alone. In a quiet conversation with a mentor, she admitted her fears, expecting disbelief. Instead, her mentor smiled gently and said, “I feel that way sometimes too.” That moment was life-changing. Sarah began to see that imposter syndrome isn’t proof of fraudulence, it’s proof of humanity. Even the brightest, most accomplished people wrestle with it.

She started keeping a small journal of compliments and achievements, a place to return to when doubt crept in. She practiced reframing her thoughts: “I worked hard for this. I belong here.” And most importantly, she allowed herself to see growth as part of the process, not evidence of inadequacy.

Final Thoughts

Imposter syndrome whispers, “You’re not enough,” but the truth is: you are.

Sarah’s story is one of millions. Behind confident smiles and polished LinkedIn profiles, countless people carry the same secret weight. By recognizing it, talking about it, and reshaping the narrative, we can loosen its grip.

Your achievements are not accidents. Your story is not a mistake. And you don’t need to keep wearing a mask because you already belong.

by Phebe Ameh, Social Justice Practicum Student.

It’s no secret that today’s teenagers are growing up in a world that’s as digital as it is physical. For many, social media isn’t just entertainment; it’s where friendships are made, identities are explored, and voices are heard. Platforms like Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, and YouTube have become an integral part of daily life, shaping the way young people connect, communicate, and see themselves.

Social media can be a beautiful thing. It offers a stage for self-expression, a bridge for long-distance friendships, and a place to find like-minded people who share similar interests, values, or struggles. For teens who might feel misunderstood or isolated in their offline world, finding a supportive online community can be empowering and life changing. It can be a safe space to learn new skills, showcase creativity, and even find encouragement during hard times.

But here’s where the story gets complicated and deeply human.

The Invisible Pressures

Social media thrives on images, likes, and quick bursts of content. And while it might seem harmless, these constant visual comparisons can quietly chip away at self-esteem. Teens often measure themselves against the “highlight reels” of others flawless photos, luxurious lifestyles, and achievements that look effortless. In reality, those moments are carefully curated, edited, and filtered. Yet, for a developing mind, the line between “real” and “reel” can blur quickly.

The pressure to “keep up” doesn’t end with pictures. It’s in the race for likes, the anxiety over views, and the subtle sting when a post doesn’t get the expected reaction. For some, the phone becomes less of a tool and more of a scoreboard a constant reminder of whether they’re “enough.”

When Connection Hurts

The irony of social media is that while it connects people globally, it can also deepen feelings of loneliness. Online interactions sometimes replace face-to-face conversations, and while digital friendships are real, they can lack the depth and warmth of physical presence. Cyberbullying is another shadow lurking in the online space. Cruel words can spread quickly, and the hurt often feels impossible to escape when the screen is always within reach.

Fear of missing out (FOMO) also plays a big role. Seeing friends post about events you weren’t invited to or trips you couldn’t join can trigger feelings of exclusion and sadness. It’s a silent mental weight that builds over time.

The Mental Health Ripple Effect

Excessive screen time, especially late at night, can disrupt sleep which is directly tied to mood and mental well-being. Studies have linked heavy social media use with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and body image concerns in teens. And because adolescence is already a time of intense emotional change, these added pressures can feel overwhelming.

Finding a Healthier Balance

Social media itself isn’t the villain. The key lies in balance, boundaries, and guidance. Parents, teachers, and mentors can help teens navigate their online world without losing themselves in it. Here are a few ways:

• Encourage Digital Breaks – Time away from the screen helps reset perspective and mental energy.
• Promote Offline Hobbies – Sports, art, music, volunteering activities that build confidence beyond online validation.
• Open Conversations – Talk about what they see online. Discuss what’s real, what’s staged, and how it makes them feel.
• Model Healthy Use – Teens learn as much from what we do as what we say. Show them it’s okay to unplug.

The Takeaway

Social media is here to stay, and for this generation, it will always be part of the story. It can inspire, unite, and educate but it can also overwhelm, isolate, and harm. By helping teens approach it with awareness and self-care, we can empower them to use these platforms in ways that build them up instead of breaking them down.

Because in the end, a “like” is temporary but a healthy mind lasts a lifetime.

by Phebe Ameh.

Social comparison is something we all do sometimes without even realizing it. Whether we’re scrolling through Instagram, chatting with friends, or observing co-workers, we often evaluate ourselves in relation to others. Psychologists have studied this natural tendency for decades, and their insights help us understand not only why we compare but also how it can shape our mental health.

The theory of social comparison was first introduced by Leon Festinger (1954), who defined it as the process of evaluating one’s own abilities, achievements, and opinions by comparing them with those of others. Later researchers, like Wood (1989), expanded on this by highlighting how comparisons can serve both self-evaluation and self-enhancement purposes. In short, we look to others as a mirror, trying to see ourselves more clearly.

But here’s the truth: that mirror can sometimes distort.

The Subtle Trap of Comparison

In small doses, comparing ourselves can be motivating. For example, seeing a peer excel in school might inspire us to work harder, or observing a colleague get promoted might remind us of our own goals. This is often called upward comparison looking to those we perceive as “ahead” of us. However, upward comparison also carries a risk: it can make us feel inadequate, envious, or even hopeless if the gap between where we are and where they are feels too wide.

On the other hand, downward comparison looking at those we perceive as “behind” can temporarily boost our self-esteem. Yet, if overused, it may foster arrogance or keep us stagnant, preventing us from striving for growth.

In both cases, our sense of worth becomes tied to external benchmarks rather than our own values and progress. This is where mental health starts to be impacted.

Social Media: The Comparison Amplifier

While social comparison has always been part of human life, social media has supercharged it. Platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook don’t just show us glimpses of other people’s lives, they curate highlight reels. We see vacation snapshots, job promotions, new homes, or perfectly filtered selfies, often without the messy behind-the-scenes moments that give context.

Research shows that frequent exposure to these idealized images can fuel anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem (Vogel et al., 2014). Many young people report feeling “less than” after scrolling, even when they rationally know what they’re seeing isn’t the whole truth. It’s the psychological equivalent of running a race where the finish line keeps moving farther away.

The Mental Health Impact

The effects of social comparison on mental health can show up in subtle but powerful ways:

• Anxiety and Stress: Feeling like you’re always “behind” others can keep your nervous system in a constant state of tension.
• Depression: Persistent upward comparisons can create a sense of failure, even when you’re achieving plenty by objective standards.
• Imposter Syndrome: The nagging belief that you’re not truly competent, despite your achievements, is often rooted in unhealthy comparisons.
• Lower Self-Worth: If our value is tied to others’ successes or struggles, our identity becomes fragile, swaying with every perceived difference.

Shifting the Lens: Healthier Ways to Compare

The good news? Social comparison isn’t all bad. When approached consciously, it can serve as a tool for growth and empathy. Here are a few ways to reframe it:

1. Compare with Your Past Self
   Instead of measuring yourself against someone else’s journey, try tracking your own progress. Are you more resilient, skilled, or compassionate than you were a year ago? That’s meaningful growth.
2. Turn Envy into Curiosity
   When you feel envious, ask yourself: What exactly am I drawn to in this person’s life? Is it their confidence, their consistency, their creativity? Often, envy points to hidden values or desires we can pursue ourselves.
3. Limit Social Media in Your “Diet”
   Just like food, what we consume affects our health, in this case, our mental health. Try to set a limit on time spent on social media, and curate your feeds to include accounts that inspire rather than deplete you.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
   Remind yourself that everyone’s timeline is different. Life isn’t a straight path it’s more like a maze with detours, pauses, and breakthroughs.
5. Celebrate Others Without Diminishing Yourself
   Someone else’s success doesn’t erase your worth. Their shine doesn’t dim your light.

Final Thoughts

Social comparison is deeply human; it’s how we learn, grow, and orient ourselves in the world. But left unchecked, it can chip away at our mental well-being, leaving us feeling inadequate or disconnected. By becoming more aware of when and how we compare, and by choosing to focus on self-compassion and authentic growth, we can transform comparison from a source of stress into a source of strength.

At the end of the day, the most meaningful comparison is with the person we were yesterday, not with the carefully curated lives of others.

Comparison is inevitable, but suffering from it doesn’t have to be. By shifting the lens, we can protect our mental health while still drawing inspiration from those around us.

by Phebe Ameh, Social Justice Practicum Student.

In a world that rarely pauses, where deadlines, digital screens, and constant notifications dominate our attention, nature offers something profoundly simple: the chance to breathe. Not just physically, but emotionally. Stepping outside, even for a few moments, can interrupt the cycle of stress, disconnection, and overwhelm that so many people experience daily. It’s not a coincidence it’s biology, psychology, and something deeper that words often fail to describe.

Studies have consistently shown that spending time in natural environments can reduce anxiety, lower blood pressure, and improve overall mood. Just walking through a park or sitting under a tree can help regulate the nervous system. The natural world slows us down, invites curiosity, and offers a space where we don’t need to be anything other than what we are in the moment.

But the benefits of nature extend beyond stress reduction. For those living with depression, even minimal exposure to green spaces has been linked to improved mood and cognitive function. Natural light helps regulate circadian rhythms and improve sleep – a critical piece of the mental health puzzle. The textures, sounds, and colors of the outdoors stimulate the senses in ways that screens and concrete cannot. They bring us back into our bodies, back into presence.

More than that, nature offers something that’s hard to replicate in structured environments: perspective. A mountain doesn’t care about your to-do list. A river doesn’t rush on your behalf. Trees grow at their own pace. In witnessing this, people often feel a shift – life becomes less about constant productivity and more about process, patience, and presence. This shift can be especially helpful for those dealing with perfectionism, burnout, or chronic stress.

There’s also a unique power in solitude in nature. Unlike loneliness, which isolates, solitude in nature can be deeply nourishing. It’s a chance to reflect, to listen inward, and to simply be without judgment or expectation. On the other hand, nature also fosters connection. Walks with friends, community gardening, or even just sitting on a park bench where others pass by can provide gentle, non-intrusive forms of social contact that support emotional well-being.

Importantly, you don’t need to hike deep into the wilderness to benefit. A balcony with a few plants, a stroll through the neighborhood, or a moment by a window watching the sky change can offer similar effects. The goal isn’t to escape, it’s connection. To the world, yes but also to yourself.

Nature doesn’t solve every problem. But it does soften them. It gives you space. It lowers the volume of inner noise. It reminds you that change is natural, growth can be slow, and rest is not weakness. In a time when many are searching for stability and grounding, the earth is quiet, constant, and alive, and it remains one of the most accessible, powerful allies in mental health.

by Phebe Ameh, Social Justice Practicum Student.

At the heart of Adlerian psychology lies a powerful belief: every human being is driven by the desire to belong, to be seen, and to contribute meaningfully to their world. It’s a theory grounded not just in intellect, but also in his empathic understanding of the human condition.

I want to tell you the story of Nia (a pseudonym to protect her privacy), a courageous young woman whose life exemplifies the powerful impact of Alfred Adler’s insight and life’s work.

Nia was born and raised in Nigeria. Her early life was far from easy. Her childhood home was not a place of safety but a battleground of unpredictable moods, verbal abuse, and emotional neglect. There was no room for softness. Like many children growing up in dysfunctional environments, Nia learned quickly that survival meant silence, endurance, and becoming whatever others needed her to be.

But despite it all, she had something within her – a rare spark. From a young age, Nia showed deep empathy and curiosity. These qualities led her to join a grassroots organization in Nigeria focused on supporting displaced children and teenagers, particularly those affected by conflict and poverty. She worked with passion, helping young people find their way back to school and rebuild a sense of belonging. Even though she was still grappling with her own unresolved pain, she was determined to be the kind of support she never had.

From Nigeria to Canada: A New Chapter Begins

Nia immigrated to Canada recently, searching for deeper healing and a way to expand her impact. She learned about Alfred Adler and his psychological theory, and a profound realization dawned on her: everything she had lived through, everything she had felt but didn’t know how to name had a name. The emotional neglect, the self-doubt, the lingering sadness – all of it was connected to what Adlerian psychology refers to as the inferiority complex, striving to belong, striving for significance, discouragement, mistaken beliefs, and unresolved trauma.

For the first time, Nia understood that harm and abuse is not always physical. It can come as silence, as indifference, or in the total absence of encouragement. She came to realize that depression, anxiety, and trauma are not weaknesses, but real conditions that need compassion and care. And more importantly, she learned that healing is possible, not by erasing the past, but by rewriting her story with new meaning.

The Mirror and the Mission

Adler’s principle of Gemeinschaftsgefühl, the feeling of social interest and community belonging, resonated deeply with her. As she reflects on her life through the Adlerian lens, her understanding of herself deepens and she learns to accept herself with love and compassion. Through this process, something is awakened in her: the desire to return what she’s learning to those who need it most.

Now, as she grows in her understanding of trauma-informed care, therapeutic dialogue, and the power of encouragement, Nia is thinking constantly of the youth back home in Nigeria, many of whom are still struggling in silence, still believing their pain is weakness, still thinking they must carry it alone.

She dreams of bringing Adlerian approaches back to her community, of equipping local leaders, teachers. and youth mentors with tools: recognizing behavior as communication, valuing empathy over punishment, prioritizing belonging and self-worth. Her journey has come full circle from being the girl in need of support, to becoming the woman building systems of support for others.

Still Healing, Still Hoping

Nia’s story isn’t over. She still has hard days. There are moments when the weight of the past feels heavy and the distance from her home country makes her feel unanchored. But now she has a name for her pain, a framework for her healing, and a vision for her future.

She is still outspoken, still compassionate, and now deeply self-aware. She continues to walk with resilience, determined not only to heal but to heal others. Her life is a living testimony to Adler’s teachings: that we are not just products of our past, but creators of our future.

And through her story, we are reminded that sometimes, discovering a name for what you’ve been through is the beginning of everything.

Healing begins with being seen.

Growth begins with understanding.

Purpose begins with the desire to give back.

by Kirsty Lewis, MC RCC, Associate Counsellor at The Adler Centre.

In the past few months, as the news cycle has become such a rollercoaster, many  of us are feeling pretty  motion sick. It can be  hard to look away. We may  joke about doom scrolling, but the reality being that it can negatively affect our mental health. The non-stop news cycle can on the one hand make our hearts race while on the other making  our bodies freeze, leaving us anxious and paralyzed at the same time. Yet it can be hard to stop scrolling as  the ever-changing  news and latest posts on social media  keep us spellbound. Meanwhile our dependence on  our phones get  stronger. At what point are we going to take phone addiction more seriously?

According to Alfred Adler, the father of Adlerian therapy more than a century ago, all human beings  have a need to belong. For some of us that means within a family, a religious group, a sports team, an office or even an online gaming community. For various reasons, many people don’t feel a sense of belonging. This  could be due to a combination of family dynamics, traumatic experiences, rejection by school mates or lovers,  that leads someone to believe that they don’t have the right to belong. These beliefs can take hold as we go through life as we continue to look, often unconsciously, for evidence that we don’t have a place in this world.

Sometimes phones can offer a  feeling of belonging through connecting in virtual communities. Yet at the same time, studies show increased phone usage leads to an  increase in feelings of loneliness, the antithesis of belonging.

Teenagers, who are in a critical period of transition both physically and emotionally, especially need to feel like they belong. But due to compulsive phone or screen use by many of them,  they are especially vulnerable to feeling disconnected. Some teens  are making meaningful connections online but there’s a lot of highly anxiety-provoking materials that accompany that usage. In his book, “The Anxious Generation”, Jonathan Haidt discusses the growing phenomena of anxiety, which he attributes to a move away from a play-based childhood to a phone-based one. 

As an Adlerian informed counsellor, I believe social engagement is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. In therapy, it might help an individual to consider the amount of time they spend on their phone versus actual face-to-face time to others. This could mean creating a healthier relationship with phone/screen usage. This isn’t breaking news, I get it. Many  of us want a different relationship with our phones. But therapy can help you actually do it.

A key component to Adlerian therapy is encouragement. Small changes may seem insignificant but over time these minor adjustments add up. And before we know it, we are moving in the right direction where life feels more manageable and balanced.

Adler, through his work and teachings, hoped to support people in finding their place in the society, their place of belonging. He challenged authoritarian parenting styles, along with gender inequality that was commonplace in Europe at the time. He opened a clinic in a poor neighbourhood of Vienna to support people of different socioeconomic backgrounds. He also recognized that we are social creatures who need social connections regardless of who we are or where we’re from.

Adlerian therapy suggests that the questions and challenges of life can be grouped into  five major tasks in life: our  work,  our friends/family,  the role of love/sex in our lives,  ourselves or the “self” and our existence on earth. Therapists will encourage you to think about these five life tasks as they affect your life. It can be difficult to do this when we are hyper-focused on our devices. Google might be good at telling you where the best taco restaurant is but not good at telling you why you’re sad! (AI may argue that it can but that’s a subject for another blog).  

As a person in this world, I also have to be mindful of my phone usage. My algorithm feels like a weird mish-mash of political satire, mental health life hacks and one-pot recipes. I like scrolling on my phone as much as the next person: there’s so much good material! And yet, my consumption can  feel compulsive.  What am I not doing when I scroll on my phone? What connection, whether it be with myself or somebody else, am I missing out on? I try to think about those five “life tasks” and consider where I am now in my life and where I want to be. I  encourage myself gently to keep my intentions in mind.

What would be your intention in therapy?